5. Two missiles hits Poland

Putin's Diary is the behind-the-scenes story of the special Military operation in Ukraine. Based on an infamous Russian telegram channel with gossip from the Kremlin. Today's diary is about how two Russian missiles happened to land in Poland, and the beginning of a plan, that will change the world forever. Want to subscribe? You can do it below. But be quick. We only have 100 spots left.

I open my eyes. I am on the floor, nude. The room is almost black. Just a tiny sliver of light seems to hoover in the air. My head hurts and my vision is strangely blurred. Where am I? My heart starts pounding hard.

I rise to my feet and stumble towards the light. It is so dark, I have to feel my way with my hands in front of me. There. A cloth. A curtain. I pull it aside. For a moment I am blinded by the light. Then I turn around, and I see.

Отче наш, Иже еси на небесех!

Jesus Christ.

The room looks like a painting of Ilya Repin. The furniture is in disarray. The floor is littered with empty bottles. There are silver trays with food lying upside down on the persian rugs. In my favourite reading chair sits a huge naked man. It is Boris. He holds one bottle in each hand and breaths heavily. At his feet lies a thin man. He lies perfectly still on his back, with just his shirt under his head. A soldier's bed. It is Konstantin.

Slowly I start to remember. The explosion. My old friends. The vodka. It is not often I drink these days, so I was not ready for the effect it would have on me. What more happened. Suddenly I feel cold down my spine.
Did I really order an attack on Poland? I must have. Even worse,….I told them my plan. The whole plan.

I stagger to the lavatory. I choose one of my two toilets and start urinating. As usual, there are just drips. Prostate "complications". As my doctor calls it. As I stand there cursing, the floor suddenly starts shaking. I turn around. It is Boris. Still naked. Even though I have two toilets, for some reason he walks up to mine.

“Hello” He says. It’s the most I heard Boris utter since he arrived. Without saying anything, he takes his penis in his hands and starts urinating a veritable waterfall in my toilet. Next moment Konstantin walks up between us and puts his arm around my shoulder. “If only that thing was a brain” he says, nodding towards the enormous organ "and it could think" I can’t help smiling. This is men. Real men. Of the old school.

We are interrupted by a light knock on the door.

“Yes” I say and turn around. It is Piotr, my bed servant. In his hands, he holds a tray with a cellular telephone on it. He stops when he sees the three of us standing nude next to the toilet.

“Eh…my…president…sorry to Interrupt but you have a phone call.”

“Who is it?”

“It is Macron. The….eh….president of France”

“Oh that Macron” I say “How lucky you specified that. I thought you meant Macron the Fisherman from Vladivostok.”

“No….it is the president eh….I mean"

“Tell him” I interrupt “I am busy urinating with old friends”

He stares at me.

*“B…b….but”

*“Now” I snap.

He bows and exits backwards.
I and Konstantin simultaneously break out into laughter that lasts for almost a minute.

We eat breakfast like men. Egg. Black bread. Vodka. I should not, but cannot say no to these friends.

“Boris is dying”. Says Konstantin suddenly “he has six months at the most”

Boris does not say anything, just calmly munches on an egg. The enormous man seems totally shut off from the outside world.

“I am sorry to hear that” I say

“Don’t be” Konstantin shrugs “we had a great time on this planet. But before we go, we would like to be part of the plan you told us about yesterday.”

My first instinct is to refuse. The plan is complex and delicate. It needs men that can adapt and follow orders. All things the Dresden Boys totally lack. On the other hand. I haven’t felt so alive in years.

“Ok” I hear myself say* “I will think about it. But first, I need you to handle Orban”. *

“We will” says Konstantin* “crush every bone in his body powdered sugar” *

“Jesus NO!” I say suddenly regretting my rash decision “You will scare him. That is all. Show him the Kompromat. And let him know what you will do if he doesn’t follow orders” “Of course” says Konstantin with a grin. "just messing with you"

After they leave sit alone for a while, thinking about my situation. These men understand. They like what they do, and they are not ashamed of it. And why should they be? In the decadent west, it is considered “bad” to like your job. Even in Russia, it is sometimes frowned upon when someone expresses that they like to hurt people. It is ridiculous. Imagine a surgeon that was good at his job. Yes, he hurt people- operating does cause pain- it was for the good. Should he have to pretend he “hated” doing what he does? This is the western way. This is where the whole world is now. Only here in Russia can we still feel JOY! The proud joy of fighting for what is good- and enjoying it! That is why this war is not about Ukraine. It is about the world. To bring JOY back to the world.

Tomorrow my plan will be set in motion. The grand global chess game will change the world forever. I signal to Piotr to get me my phone. I hit the number.

*“Bonjour Monsieur Le President” *I say "I have a proposal for you"

Let the game begin.

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